Categories
2001-2005 Microfiction

The Pigeon

So I was sitting outside this morning, enjoying the cool air and warm sun dance on my face and cheeks. I was about to pull out a a little book and read for a wee bit. Then, all of a sudden, a pigeon landed nearby me, and he asked me a light. Of course, I didn’t have a lighter or any matches, so away the pigeon stormed, leaving me to dwell in my newly formed valley of confusion and befuddlement. I sat there, trying to focus on the words in my book, but with a overarching cloud of disarray hovering above me. Moments later, the pigeon came back smoking his cigarette. “Thanks for nothing,” he said, and with that he cooed. Not a friendly “hello” coo, but a “you better get the heck out of here before I go medieval on your ass” coo. I learned this in hindsight, unfortunately. After his “wrath of God” coo, which I mistook for a “can I get a Cheet-o, buddy?” coo, the sky filled with gray. I looked up just in time to see a tempest of pigeons. Suffice to say, pigeons and I aren’t really on the best of terms anymore.

Categories
2001-2005 Microfiction

The Heroin

So I have received a few messages on the seamy nature of my past few posts, and I will admit they were in bad taste. I will have you know, however, that yesterday’s lurid tale of a goat, his lover, and his semen came from the mouth of Hollywood heartthrob, and current star of The Wedding Planner, Matthew McConoughey. Not me. But onto today’s brief tale of confusion…

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

January 31, 2001

One day, I went to the bathroom. After my business was completed, and my chocolate children were busy swimming with their fellow doodie brethren, I started making breakfast. As I was pouring the milk into my vat of Reese’s Puffs, I saw something come meandering up to me. It seemed almost whispy, a gossamer pair or arms, twirling the air around them. But then, their beauty was replaced with their true self- the smelliest smell ever. Apparently, my chocolate children had a little B.O. problem.

I apologize to all you prudes out there who just can’t see the humor behind “poop” jokes. Well, tomorrow, I will give you something you can enjoy. snoogans.

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

January 29, 2001

So as it turns out, the Superbowl was last night. I, for some reason or another, neglected to watch. Well, I have a couple of reasons for not watching, but I doubt that they are really worth anything to anyone. For starters, I am not a big fan of professional football. To me, they are a bunch of egomaniacs, all waiting for their sneaker and cereal deals, not really playing because they love them game. They are all overpaid; playing a child’s sport for a living. The second reason I don’t like the Superbowl is because I don’t really understand the whole game itself, but anyhow, I digress. I need to get a job this week, so if any of you kids have any ideas, email me. SNOOGANS.

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

January 24, 2001

So I was in Waffle House yesterday. I totally had a hankering for Raisin Bran. That or Golden Grahams, Reese’s Puffs, or Frosted Flakes. Well, anyway, they didn’t have any fresh cereal. Needless to say, I got a waffle instead. Then, I got to thinking- I like waffles; I like cereal. Why not meld the two things together? Then, I realized that Post did such a thing, and although I can’t possibly know from first-hand experience, it tasted very similar to butt.