Category: Letters

Dearest Candy Kings,

I have a few queries upon which I am hoping you could perhaps shed some light. Before I even start with those questions, however, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name’s Michael Ollinger, and I have been eating your candies for as long as I have been alive, which has been nineteen, often hellish years. My mother used to melt Three Musketeers bars and spoon-fed them to me until I was able to hold the candy bar in my tiny little fist. From ages 4-14, I dressed up as an M&M; for Halloween. I think those two examples provide an adequate view into my preoccupation of your fabulous candies. Now that I have been through such needless formalities, let me digress into the proverbial beef of this letter.

Dear Francine,
I wish I wasn’t gagged, so I could tell you what’s been on my mind using spoken words–instead of grunts and vowels blocked by a slobbery rubber ball. I wish I wasn’t deaf, so that I could hear your heart breaking when you read this letter. Most of all, I wish I wasn’t blind, so I could see your face when you’ve seen what I had the boy down the street do to your things (serves you right, you fecalphiliac).

Dear Jane,

We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? From the day we first met at the truck stop, I’ve loved you. Remember when you got off work at Hooters early and we went to the English Patient? Granted, neither of us likes those “indie” films, but it was still wonderful just being there with you. I do not know how to tell you this, but we must break off our relationship. I am sure you are wondering why these tragic events must occur, so I will indulge you.

Dear Papa Smurf,

How come Smurfette was never given a real first name? Was it something the writers weren’t ready for? Could it have perhaps been that it was an all-male team of writers, and none of them could come up with a good name for her? Here’s a list that I came up with for possible first names for her.

Dear Morning Meal Masters,

First, let me assure you that the purpose of this letter is not to complain, but to praise! I love your products! Ever since I was a wee lad in the small town of Butts, GA, (approx. pop. 5000) I have attributed at least one of my meals a day to your cereals. Like my pop, Willy, always used to say, “Ain’t nothing like a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs to get the day started right.” I stick to that. As stated earlier, I eat at least a bowl of cereal a day. My favorites are Golden Grahams, Lucky Charms, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. This epistle is starting to lose focus, so let me reclaim it in the next paragraph.