It is rare that a high-profile celebrity such as Michael Ollinger agrees to hold an interview with the proctor of a young and low-rent site such as GDO-R. I am so happy that I was afforded this great opportunity to have this question-and-answer session with a poet laureate and a personal hero of mine. I was upset that the interview was cut short, but Michael had to leave early. Thanks again for taking time out of your busy schedule for GDO-R, Michael! My lips are sealed and my tongue is tied, I swear it! 😉
GDO-R: So tell me, what have you been doing to keep yourself busy this past year?
MO: Oh you know. Bitches and hoes. Hoes and bitches. Potatoes and tomatoes, staples and stitches.
GDO-R: I am afraid I don’t understand.
MO:…a little bit of this, a little bit of that. After I was released from prison when those charges were dropped, I started writing again. I’m currently working on a novel. I hope to have it finished this time next year.
GDO-R: That sounds exciting! Are you espousing any agendas or any particular themes in your new book? I’m afraid I don’t know the title of it. Would you mind telling us?
MO: Stalker.
GDO-R: Is that the title or one of the themes?
MO: Both.
GDO-R: I see…well, again, I am excited to read it. Care to elaborate further?
MO: No, that’s about it. It’s about stalking. How to do it, the required equipment, etc. Some of it may be field logs.
GDO-R: It sounds like a how-to manual; I thought you said it was a novel.
MO: It is. I don’t want to talk any more about it. Not to you, at least. Next subject, please.
GDO-R: Your influences? Who has inspired you most recently?
MO: I look to myself for inspiration. I get the ideas for my work by studying my reflection every morning. I’m quite the narcissist.
GDO-R: An honest answer. What are the last three books you’ve read?
MO: Catch-22, the Cat and the Hat Comes Back, and Zoia.
GDO-R: Those are… interesting selections. Dr. Seuss, eh? What’s the last one? Zoia? Who wrote that?
MO: It’s a Dainielle Steele novel.
GDO-R: Fair enough. How about movies? The last three movies you’ve seen?
MO: Rented or saw in the theater?
GDO-R: Rented.
MO: Okay, let’s see… The Limey, Manhattan Murder Mystery, and Backdoor Sluts 9.
GDO-R: Truly an enigma you are, Mike. Well, aside from writing what else have you been up to? Your face hasn’t been in the papers recently.
MO: That’s a good question. Well, I met someone a few months ago. She’s been occupying the majority of my time. Her name is Veronica. She’s the most perfect person ever. She was handed down from God Himself. He molded her for me.
GDO-R: She sounds great. How’d you meet her?
MO: It was the funniest thing- we met in the parking lot of the supermarket. Her kid was steering their shopping cart, and he let it go. It rolled across the parking lot and nailed my car door. It didn’t do any noticeable damage, but still– was I ever angry! I was about to hit the kid when I saw his mother. And that ass attached to her! OH MY GOD THAT ASS! A perfect full moon, haha! Once I saw that ass and it apologized, I couldn’t hit the kid. The relationship just took off from there.
And if you call me Mike again, I’ll fucking rip your heart out of your chest and eat it in front of you.
GDO-R: Whoa, yes sir…no more Mike. So Michael, how long have you and Veronica been seeing each other?
MO: Well, I’ve been seeing her since March. I sure hope she hasn’t seen me. That could mean trouble.
GDO-R: I’m afraid I’m confused. I thought you said you two were– wait, nevermind. . .
I think I understand.
MO: Some people enjoy bird-watching. I tried it once, but I really didn’t enjoy it very much. Although it was fun, and I totally connected with the immense beauty of nature, I didn’t connect with …something else. My watching hobbies are a little…(here he pauses thoughtfully) …closer to home. I like to stick to what I know. Beastiality is not my bag, baby.
GDO-R: I see. Well, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m here to ask questions, not to judge.
MO: I thank you, sir.
GDO-R: Is Veronica even her real name?
MO: Definitely. I know that for sure. I’ve been stealing her mail, too.
GDO-R: That’s a felony, you know. Do you want to go back to jail?
MO: Nah. It’s cool. I’m only stealing her Victoria’s Secret and IKEA catalogs. And maybe the occasional Pottery Barn. She still gets all her bills!
GDO-R: What about personal letters?
MO: She still gets most of them.
GDO-R: Most of them?
MO: I thought you said you weren’t here to judge!
GDO-R: I’m not judging you. I’m just asking questions.
MO: Well, I don’t take stuff addressed to the kid. I only take stuff that looks like it could be from her bisexual lover.
GDO-R: How do you know she has a bisexual lover?
MO: That part I made up. It adds to the fantasy.
GDO-R: I see. Well, I hope you reconsider continuing this. I would hate to hear about you returning to prison. Have you ever thought about asking her out?
MO: Two things- she’s married. Plus she’s got a kid. Don’t worry about me getting caught, I stole someone’s identity right after I broke out of jail. No one knows my real name! It’s great! I recently had $27,000 worth of lyposuction and I just bought a minor league baseball team– the West Michigan Whitecaps! Soon to be the West Michigan Moes, after yours truly! Hell, I’ve even been buying bongs on eBay! Oh, excuse me… water pipes. It’s so foolproof. I’ve even got a fake ID with my fake name on it!
GDO-R: You’re telling me what I would imagine is confidential information. Are you this candid in all your interviews?
MO: Interview?
GDO-R: Yeah, interview. Remember? You agreed to do an interview for Gekko Dot Org: Redux.
MO: I did? I don’t remember that. When did I do agree to this? And this is the interview?
GDO-R: When we met at the Gap this afternoon. I was trying on pants, and you followed me to my car.
MO: Fuckin’ A, man. Something told me not to wash the Xanax down with champagne. I could have sworn– I thought– I thought you were my lawyer. Now that I realize that you’re not…I may have to kill ya.
GDO-R: Your secret is safe with me, Michael, I swear it. Just don’t hurt me.
MO: Alright, well…I’m going to take a little collateral, just to make sure this doesn’t get out.
At this point, he leapt across the table and forcibly extricated my tongue from my mouth using a switchblade he had hidden up his sleeve. Once he had my tongue in his pocket, he spat on my cowering body, as I lay loudly sobbing, begging him for mercy on my wayward soul. I was probably quite a sight. I remember the tears mixing with the blood oozing from my mouth and the gurgling sound of my breathing cavities filling with mucus and blood. The pain- my god, it was unbearable. Just as he was about to leave, he kicked me in the stomach and…
MO: What about your website?
GDO-R: Uh…what website?
MO: Exactly.
End of interview.