Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

Leo

It seems like it takes a death to coerce me into writing. It’s probably more accurate to say it takes a death to make me think. Death is easily the worst thing most people will encounter in their banal lives, and it is also the simplest thing humanity encounters.

A restless night’s sleep, broken up by a touch of insomnia at around 3 AM. You can easily mistake your sleeplessness for excitement of the following day– your birthday celebration. Eventually, you drift back into your dreams of warm kisses from your lover. At 6 though, those dreams will be shattered and long lost.

At approximately 3 AM, May 18, 2001, my grandfather died in his sleep. There was relatively little struggle, but enough to alarm his wife. By the time help arrived, Grandpa was already dancing in heaven. All members of his immediate family were alerted, and by 8 AM that morning, there wasn’t an Ollinger who didn’t know that their great patriarch had gone home to God.

How easy the deceased have it! All they have to do is die; their survivors have to pick up the pieces and move on. They dwell in disbelief, mire themselves in mourning, or associate themselves with apathy. I stupidly chose to immerse myself in ire. I was so angry with everyone. This was my birthday, and now I had to alter my plans drastically. I was so selfish, so priggish, so me…

But in my defense, I quickly metamorphosed into “funeral mode.” I realized the world lost a great man, and more importantly, I lost a great man. Grandpa was a man who loved everything about life. He loved waking up at 5; he loved picking berries in blistering July humidity; he loved swimming in his pool in February; and most of all, he loved God. When I saw his well-worn Bible on his casket as the funeral party sternly filed in the church, tears welled up in my eyes, and I began to sob quietly.

That was the worst thing to see: the tears. They cascaded off everyone’s cheeks, and if eyes weren’t crying, they were about to, like clouds bloated with a summer thunderstorm. I think everyone’s tear ducts had become emotional mines, with a certain comment or memory of Grandpa setting off explosions of sorrow in one’s heart.

There’s something strange about life though. Unless you’re extraordinary, like Ghandi, or you’re infamous, like Hitler, life is nothing more than a speck to humanity. But to the individual, life is something momentous. Although I have yet to experience the unspeakable wondrousness of my child’s birth, I have experienced the unspeakable misfortune of a relative’s death.

One thing that mystifies me is the caprice of human opinion. How can someone who accepts the methods of war possibly condemn something like genetic cloning? What, you can voluntarily take life, but you can’t make it? Either way, you’re playing God.

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

Thoughts on the Linguistic Flexibility of “Fucking”

The other day I was thinking about the quirks and idiosyncrasies of the English language, and I think that I have discovered one of the most versatile words; “Fucking.” Think about it- it can serve as a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb.

  • Fucking as a noun- Fucking daily is not only a fun way but also an efficient method to melt those unsightly pounds and inches.
  • Fucking as a verb- Gerald is fucking the village whore.
  • Fucking as an adjective- I have no fucking idea whose that is.
  • Fucking as an adverb- I have a fucking huge zit on my butt.

I hope this had been enlightening, and I apologize to any I may have offended, and I also realize that I am probably not the first person to make such an observation.

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

February 28, 2001

The other day I was in the shower, and the soap slipped out of my hand. As I bent over to pick it up, I saw something in my shower drain staring back at me. It seemed to give me a menacing, mischievous grin; and I saw it locking its gaze at me. Now I (at the risk of sounding a tad narcissistic) am probably the biggest stud that ever walked the face of the Earth. I had no idea what this little drain-troll could find wrong with me, a modern-day Charles Atlas. I called down to it, “What the heck is so funny? I am the one in the shower, and you are the one caught beneath the grating!” As soon as I uttered these words, he tightened his eyes on me.

I could feel my ears and neck begin to boil. I entreated the beastie to release me from his trance, and he said, “You f—ing moron. You are the one with the water set to 120 degrees. I was only trying to see the 3-D picture above you on the ceiling. I still can’t figure it out.”
“That’s easy, it’s a sailboat.”
“Dammit. I thought it was a naked lady.”

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

February 26, 2001

My car got stuck in the mud yesterday. I was out at my mom’s house, and I was getting ready to leave, and I crank ‘er up, and put it into reverse only to find that my car is getting all of nowhere super fast. The torrential downpour never ceased while I was out digging my car out of the mire. It only goes to prove that I hate my car even more. Any other car would have taken it upon itself to help a little, and try to lurch forward when being pushed. Not ol’ Muffin, however. That stupid piece of junk just sat there and acted like a crippled old woman.

Categories
2001-2005 Other Words

High Altitude Oven Temperatures

The other day, I saw a Port-a-Potty on the side of the road; there wasn’t any rock concert or festival surrounding it; it was just an isolated Port-A-Potty, sort of a contemporary hermitage, if you will. I went up to the door, and it said “vacant,” so I ventured through the threshold. When I reached the other side, I was shocked and appalled to see an older-looking fellow perched up on the plastic throne, pants around his ankles, and the newest issue of U.S. News in his hand. He looked at me and shouted, “Hey you! What the heck are you doin’ in the John with me? Cantcha see I’m busy with my pers’nal bidness?” As I stuttered around an answer, he continued, “Never no mind that, is there anything I can help ye with? Any questions about life? Girls? The caloric content on certain aspartame-addled diet sodas?” Trying to be courteous as well as seize this opportunity for complimentary advice, I asked, “How come oven temperatures vary in higher altitudes?”

He stared at me blankly, until finally he said, “Get the hell out of my office.”