In general, I dread going to class. Most of the time, people simply sit there, glancing furtively around the room, waiting for some brave soul to venture a question or an answer to an inquiry the teacher presents to us. This really bothers me. I would start the discussions, but I have a problem where I cannot start an insightful conversation, but I can enter one after it has begun, and commandeer it, directing it toward something about which I want to talk. Today, for the first time since the semester began three weeks ago, the majority of the cats and kittens in my World Religions class started talking. Granted, the whole of their comments were nested in ignorance, but you have got to start somewhere, I say. For the past two weeks, we have been studying “Eastern” religions, and most of my classmates had no idea what atman, dukkha, or wu-wei were. We have been discussing Judaism this week, and finally people can relate the material to something they know.
Anyway, as part of an exercise, my teacher asked us to name the five things we wanted in life. Most people supplied normal answers: financial security, happiness, health, a loving family. To be honest, I really don’t care about any of those things. While the things I want are mainly abstractions, there are a few tactile things and experiences on the list, and so without further ado… the FIVE THINGS I WANT IN LIFE are:
- clarity
- to effect someone
- to draw a crowd into a sing-along
- power
- tacos!
Clarity- I know that I will never discover what the purpose of life is. I can’t be sure, but I do not believe that there is an inherent purpose to life. Religious folks would tell you that the purpose of life is to love and serve the greater being, however you envision it. Problem is, I have come to the decision that there is no greater being. We’re all here for no good reason at all. So far, I have attained clarity; I have my feet firmly planted on terra firma.
To effect someone- Unless I become a powerful leader (see power below) or commit a series of heinous atrocities, it is unlikely that I will be remembered beyond two or three generations. I can deal with this, but at the very least, I want people to really think about the things I say. I want to be taken seriously when I am trying to be serious. With the exception of a few rare occurrences, I have also achieved this goal.
To draw a crowd into a sing-along- à la Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (a favorite movie of mine- Cameron and I are definitely kindred spirits), I want to get a crowd of people to sing along with me a song of my choosing. It’ll have to be something everyone knows, so I am considering “Help!” by the Beatles, “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones, or “Creep” by Radiohead. Maybe “Cry Me a River” – who knows.
Power- When I belted out “power” from my seat in the back row of the classroom, my teacher asked me what I meant by power. I gave her the simplified, non-offensive answer: “Political power.” Actually, by “political power,” I mean total and absolute power of a township, city, or nation. That’s how it will start, at least; the final goal is total world domination, but I have already said too much. How much power, you ask? Think Stalin without all the purges, GULAG, and needless death. With said power, I will be able to coerce people to singing whatever song I want. Maybe we’ll sing two songs- “Fight for your Right” and “Mikey Made this Happen” the latter of which has yet to be written, although one could surmise that it will be an anthem extolling all my regal virtues. I don’t know if I want to be King Mikey or President Mikey or what. I really like the title “His Supreme Pontiffancy, Mikey.” It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? I have certainly pondered heavily on the things I will have when I am ruling the planet; I could write volumes on the subject.
Tacos!- “Tacos!? You want tacos?!” My teacher was rather incredulous that I felt so strongly about the Mexican sandwich. After a few chortles from the class, I ventured a reply: “Well, tacos give me nearly everything else written on the board. Because of tacos, I am happy. Because of tacos, I am healthy. Because of tacos, I am financially secure. Well, maybe not the last one, but damn- tacos are good!” Seriously- if you have never had a taco, stop reading this, go to your nearest Mexican restaurant* and order one now.
So those are things I want in life. Just a little peace of mind, a legacy (however minute it may be), some tacos, and total world domination. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. If you think it is, please email me, so I can write your name down on my list of nemeses.
TOTALLY UNRELATED: Today, I saw the biggest bug ever. Sadly, it was dead and had moved onto the next life. Maybe it was reincarnated as a sparrow or something. Digressing (or is it progressing?), this bug was so big that there were other bugs on it. A fly was crawling on one part of the thorax; on the other end next to the head, ants had set up little vacation homes. I am guessing it was a roach injected with Hulk formula (don’t, DON’T, DON’T see that movie, by Allah) or maybe it was a beetle who had been juicing for a few months. He didn’t want to get into ‘roids, but all the other beetles on the team were doing it, and if he wanted to keep up in quanga (the beetle form of soccer), he had to start doing something in addition to the RIPPED FUEL. Who knows.
*Please note: TACO BELL is not a Mexican restaurant. It’s Mexican fast food, Pepsi style. While scrumptrelescent in its own right, a virgin taco-eater is best served by going to a real Mexican restaurant.