Captain’s Log, star date: 05112003, Mother’s Day, 01:36 am.
Earlier this evening, I was searching on Amazon for “Michael Ollinger.” Hoping not to see anything, (I have identity issues- I am always trying to set myself apart from everyone else- but that’s another topic for another time) I was upset to see that there has already been a book published by someone of the same name as myself. Read more at Amazon. I suppose I should take consolation in the fact that the book this doppelgänger of mine wrote is not a New York Times bestseller or a Nobel or Pulitzer prize winner. Hell, I could probably count the number of its readers on my twenty phalanges. The other Michael Ollinger is an Economist with the United States Department of Agriculture. I wonder what he is doing now, given the current state of our economy.
Because someone has published a book with my name, I have to think of a flashy new nom de plume. This ties directly in with my issues of identity, but again, that is another discussion for another day. I was thinking of Steve Bennett, but upon further pontification, I belive that sounds too mundane. Too blase. It tastes like a saltine, looks like white bread, and has the consistency of oatmeal. Veto Steve Bennett. My second choice was an alliterative superhero name: Benjamin Braddock. Then, while watching the Graduate this evening, I realized that the lead character has the same name. (For those who haven’t seen it, it’s a great movie. Get the widescreen version, though.) I can’t share a name with the character; he’s too naďve for me. Ix-nay on Enjamin-bay Addock-Bray. My third idea was a one-name name in the same vein as Madonna, Cher, and Prince. I want something memorable, yet pronounceable. How about “Seamus” or “Rochester” or “Tuna?” Or take a completely minimalist approach and have a monosyllabic single word name. I was thinking of “Meh” or “Skort,” but then again I realized neither were even words, and who would respect an author with the name “Meh?”
Finally, after much thought and deliberation, the name I decided upon is Fenwick Bostonson. It sounds so contrived and so made-up that everyone will know that it is simply a pen name and not my birth name. I figure if I am going to veil my identity for the sake of establishing it, I might as well make the veneer as thin and gossamer as possible. That way, this Michael Ollinger will burn brightly behind his false name and overshadow his fellow Michael Ollingers.
Well, cats and kittens, the Kids in the Hall is on, and my ass hurts from sitting in this chair for too long. GK Out.