I’m surprised, even at myself…
Once upon a time, and a galaxy far, far away, there lived a tiny little statue. His name, you ask? Well, it was Fritz Vladimir Sprocket. His parents named him a family name, but he typically went by a little nickname he made for himself- “Stony.” He stood in perpetual inanimation. Solid as a statue, no doubt. His parents fearful of a revolution on their home planet, Krypton, sent this little boy to Earth to seek refuge. Little did they know, they were sending their only dog to a watery grave. (Kryptonians called their offspring dogs. Strangely enough, their ‘dogs’ didn’t get Gravy Train.)
‘Stony’ landed in the northern hemisphere of Earth, near Milan, Italy. Having a natural sense for Earthen fashion trends, ‘Stony’ made quite a name for himself under the handle “Ralph Lauren.” Stony lived lavishly in Milan, up all night eating, drinking, and being merry. Then it happened. Stony found the one thing that made him happiest on Earth. One day, while roaming the assorted brothels of Milan, Stony came upon an old hubcap. ‘This metal plate, I must have more just live them.’ Stony set out on a global search for the most obscure, yet most beautiful of all hubcaps, the ‘Enchanted Cap of the Congo River.’ This hubcap had only been seen once by a Britsh explorer back in the 1850’s. Stony and his rag-tag team of experts went combing the thickest parts of the African desert, but came up empty.
Dejected, Stony made his way to America, where his life would come to an immediate and abrupt halt on the salty shores of the Spring Break Capital, Panama City…
Quickly, let’s describe the nature of the dark side, I mean, the Gurus and their colleagues. There was Bret, diabolical to the bone; hellbent on kidnapping lawn ornaments of all shapes and sizes. Ollinger, the brains of the operation; only he could pull off the daring murder. Josh and Steven, the muscle; they could coerce any figurine to do their bidding. There were others in on this scandalous affair, but their existence did affect Stony either way.
Stony, one day while pondering the fate of his family, was snatched up and stolen away on the lawn of some unsuspecting resident of Loganville, GA. Bret and company took him to meet up with Ollinger, at the point of origin. Then they descended to Panama City, making sure that Stony was terrified and very badly shaken. On their journey down there, the Gurus forced Stony to perform malicious acts of misconduct. They made him rob three liquor stores, mail off numerous letter bombs, and they even forced him to eat a Chili Pup. Oh the humanity! What’s worse, they took pictures!
Then came that fateful Saturday. On this day, the Gurus were parading around with Stony; him as their trophy. Then sickness befell Stony. The Gurus were unaware of Stony’s Achilles’ Heel; he couldn’t touch saltwater. They doused him in it, tauntingly. Stony slowly came apart. Literally. His feet, then his legs. Ollinger, seeing no point in keeping the remains, decided to decapitate Stony and keep his head as a trophy. Then the Gurus buried Stony. And all was well. Except, of course, for Stony, who was covered in sand.