It’s been a long week. I first felt the intimations of ailment creeping in last Saturday, and since then I have been in the icy grip of a January cold. This being the case, my sinuses, chest, and stomach have been loaded with phlegm and mucus. Disgusting I know, but like flatulence, congestion is a part of being human.
Because I haven’t being feeling well, I haven’t been running at 100% to take note on the goings-on around me. As such, in lieu of a poignant commentary on my life, I will instead provide you Reduxers with another installment of VOCABULARY-EDIFICATION WITH MIKEY. Enjoy!
babblative – \BAB-luh-tiv\ adjective – garrulous
exempla gratia – Susan was the most babblative woman I met; the only time she would shut up was when I said “SUSAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT WAYNE IS FUCKING YOUR COUSIN. I DON’T CARE THAT YOU CAN’T FIND YOUR DAMN CAR KEYS! MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED DOING ICE, YOU COULD SLOW DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU LEFT THEM!” She would always be quiet after that.
cacography \kak-AH-gruh-fee\ noun – bad spelling
exempla gratia – “Franco, this job application is full of cacography. You don’t spell ‘bus’ with a K!”
ephemeral \ih-FEH-muh-rul\ adjective – lasting a very short time
exempla gratia – Jim’s life was full of ephemeral moments– especially when in the boudoir. If there was an award for speed-fucking, he would win hands-down. Two minutes? Did he even give her time to take her bra off?
galumph \guh-LUMF\ verb – to move with a clumsy, heavy tread
exempla gratia – Keith galumphed about his castle searching for the last bag of Oreos. Keith’s a sad story, really. He hasn’t been able to leave his house for two years. He can’t get through the threshold of his front door anymore. I’ve heard he weighs 800 pounds. My Mini doesn’t even weigh that much! I’ve also heard he eats kids. I’m not too sure of the veracity of that rumor, although the Thompkins boy brought him Chili’s To-Go once, and he hasn’t been heard from since.
imbroglio \im-BROHL-yoh\ noun – a violently confused or bitterly complicated altercation
exempla gratia – Quite an imbroglio had developed between Hal, Tabitha, and Tameka. Hal had been engaging in intercourse with both of them. It should be stated that Hal had been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder in his teens. I don’t know how it worked out in the bedroom, but Hal was a ghastly, pallid man in his mid-50’s, and Tameka was a heavy-set black woman in her 30’s. He was having sex with himself! How the hell does one do that?
kakistocracy \kak-uh-STAH-kruh-see\ noun – government by the worst people
exempla gratia – Under the current regime, I daresay America’s political system is a kakistocracy, led by an incompetent lying boob, incapable of coherent parol. A monkey could be doing a better job.
navel-gazing \NAY-vul-GAY-zing\ noun – useless or excessive self-contemplation
exempla gratia – Pubescent Jay spent the majority of each day in his bathroom lost in a bout of navel-gazing. That was what he called it at least.
penury \PEN-yuh-ree\ noun – a cramping and oppressive lack of resources (as money); especially : severe poverty
exempla gratia – I remember one year penury had stricken our poor family so badly that instead of Christmas dinner, we were forced to eat Gramma’s eyeballs. They tasted great, served in a bowl of gruel with a light sprinkling of sawdust.
tatterdemalion \tat-er-dih-MAIL-yun\ adjective – ragged or disreputable in appearance
exempla gratia – Manjit entered his job interview looking terrible and tatterdemalion. The holes in his pants were stapled shut; there was a mustard stain on his shirt. He even had an African beefeater on his shoulder eating something out of his hair!
wassail \WAH-sul\ verb – to indulge in riotous drinking
exempla gratia – The trio of Steve, Zeke, and Ed went to Hooters and wassailed on the finest brews their money could buy (Pabst-Blue Ribbon and Bud Light), and they toasted their heroes Lombardi, Ditka, and Stifler. After being ejected from the bar for placing their tips between the supple breasts of Heather, their unfortunate server, they donned their horned helmets and pillaged several of the suburbs surrounding Flint, Michigan.
–This one’s for my dead homies.–
Mikey