Dearest Candy Kings,
I have a few queries upon which I am hoping you could perhaps shed some light. Before I even start with those questions, however, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name’s Michael Ollinger, and I have been eating your candies for as long as I have been alive, which has been nineteen, often hellish years. My mother used to melt Three Musketeers bars and spoon-fed them to me until I was able to hold the candy bar in my tiny little fist. From ages 4-14, I dressed up as an M&M; for Halloween. I think those two examples provide an adequate view into my preoccupation of your fabulous candies. Now that I have been through such needless formalities, let me digress into the proverbial beef of this letter.
My first question is regarding your choice of M. What made you guys choose M? Did an executive have an unhealthy love for Bernard Lee (who, in my opinion, who is probably the best M James Bond ever had to work for)? I think it would be much hipper of you cats to use the letter X for a while, or why even have it be a letter? I wouldn’t mind a bag of 2&2’s. The “gangstas” could call them “Deuce & Deuce.” I don’t know what kind of marketing you guys have set up for urban youths, but I imagine you’d get much more business.
Secondly, why don’t you guys follow Hershey’s lead and make a cereal? I wouldn’t mind a big healthy bowl of Snicker-O’s or Twix Flakes.
Speaking of Hershey, do you guys ever ride over to the city and “TP” their facilities? I bet a web of toilet paper in the lawn would definitely curb their business.
Have you guys ever thought about a chocolate soda? Sometimes, when I am lying in bed, gorging on a Dove bar, I think to myself, what I wouldn’t do to have a chocolate soda. Either that or where is the cat? I haven’t seen her for days.
Well, I guess those are all of my questions for now. If I think of any more, I will call your customer questions line, it’s #6 on my speed-dial, wedged between poison control (#5) and my mother (#7). Actually, I have one other question. Could you guys find it in your infinite generosity to send me a key chain or some other doodad from your gift shop? I wanted to buy something, but alas all of my credit cards have been seized and all my checks are stained.
Yours now and forever,
Michael W. Ollinger