Well, boys and girls, it’s Cheese Week here at the good ol’ www.gekko.org… Of course, being the spectacular author I am, was selected to pen the first of our usual trilogy of installments for any theme week… now then, onto cheese…
Fromage. Käse. Formaggio. Queso. All are synonymous to that wonderful product between the curds and whey called cheese. In the days of the ancients, they used to pray to the numerous cheese gods, in hope for a bountiful harvest. It’s true, I looked it up…
One day, when I was still a wee lad of age four, I roamed into the kitchen and made my way to the refrigerator. My true task was to get to the freezer to fetch Otter Pops for my brother. Otherwise, I was a dead man. Being the sizable 3 feet 2 inches that I was, I couldn’t grapple my way into the freezer. So in consolation, I went into the lower half of the box in search of some type of nourishment for my brother. I fould the cold cuts, and I slipped two slices of bologna into my satchel… I continued my quest. What’s this? I came across an orange brick. I raised it to my nostrils. The aroma was overpowering. I blacked out in the fridge.
When I awoke, my family was huddled over me. Where was I? I scanned my surroundings… Toy box, yellow shag, scary clown picture… I was in my room. I looked at my clothes. Little trains were chugging their way all over my body… Pajamas. “What happened?” I managed to utter. “You passed out in the refridgerator,” my father told me. “Oh.”
As it turns out, I was in the fridge for two hours. It was only when my mother went to retrieve the roast for that night’s meal did they discover me. That orange brick I had come across was something they called “cheddar cheese.” All I knew was that I couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks.
As you see, cheeses are responsible for countless cases of homicide, matricide, and suicide. Let’s not forget to mention applecide-R. Cheeses will kill us all if we do not take the proper precautions. Please consult the “Cheeses Ate My Baby” pamphlet the National Dairy Association is mailing out to you…
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curdly wheys, Ollinger, the gekko monger…