When I reflect on where my life has put me today, I am dumbfounded. I am simply amazed at the sordid life I have led. From my brief stint as a freak in a Mexican circus to my days as a guru of gekko.org.
When I was at the age of four, my parents sold me to an orphanage. They had seen Annie and hoped the same for me. Well, unfortunately, I found my time at the orphange rather enjoyable. Especially with all the sweet, nourishing gruel. I stayed there until I turned six, and then I was adopted by a young couple from Amsterdam. They were looking for a kid to raise without having to do much work, and so they adopted me. While in Amsterdam, I learned about the desingnated “hash-spots” and ate my french fries with mayonaisse. Eventually, my pseudo-parents grew tired of my foul mouth, and so they sent to live with an uncle in Cozumel.
When I reached Cozumel, the uncle, Barry, was his name, decided that I needed to pull my own weight around there. So he had me play “Mary had a Little Lamb” using a rubberband for nickels. I did this until I was ten, when I escaped his compound and made way back across the border. While I was lost in Costa Rica, the Peace Corps founded me and drafted me. They shipped me off to Romania.
In Romania, I learned of the wonders of gymnastics, and I went on to win gold in three consecutive Olymics. I had abandoned the Peace Corps, and I was living it up in Milan. That’s when Lorne Michaels asked if I’d host SNL. Of course, I didn’t say no, and I went onto discover I talent in the field of Best Boy. I now work on the grips and such for big- hollywood movies….
Okay, okay, I know none of that happened. Actually I was Ricky in Silver Spoons. I had changed my name to Ricky Schroder for the stage presence. It was only then I had my skiing accident. I got caught in a snow blower. Now I live at home, watch Forgive or Forget, and I drink Shirley Temples to forget my troubles….
Once again, I lie. I seem to have a problem with that. Did I mention I was married to Morgan Fairchild? Yeah, that’s the ticket… Three sons she and I had, all of them kings…
Anyway, my childhood was rather normal, except for all the crack my dog smoked, oh wait that was my neighbor… I don’t know…..
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Ollinger, the guru who’s life is a blur…aka mr. liar…