Here is another article from my tenure at BG’s. Yeah, it’s stupid; yeah, it’s inane. But hell, it’s pretty funny.
I believe I have uncovered (after much deliberation…I had to narrow it down between this and any movie with Jennifer Lopez) the worst thing Man has ever created. I know that a man is responsible for creating this because on the whole, we are the dumber sex, and we do anything to please whatever to which we have an emotional or sexual attachment.
This abomination was and will be the cause of several wars. It was also responsible for the death of not only Martin Luther King, Jr., but also George Burns. This fabrication is responsible for the Great Depression, the assassinaton attempt on Ronald Reagan, and probably worst of all- Hanson. What could it possibly be you ask? Well, I don’t think you really ask yourself aloud, “What could this terrible creation Mikey speaks of possibly be? Is it morphine? Is it a chemical weapon? Is it a spork? What?”
The answer, my friends, is simple– pants. Pants are responsible for the downfall of civilization.
When Man was first trying out fashions, he didn’t long to wrap his legs in cloth and keep his member all caged up. He wanted to let it roam free and romp about with womanhoods and the other manhoods (or is it menhood?). Anyway, women realized that if a man’s Johnson was just flapping in the wind, there’s no way anything would get done. Men would start complaining about the flies and the smegma (this was long before civilization embraced the hygienic wonder of circumcision), and the woman would have to cope with the bitching… So some woman thought, Cover the stupid thing up! And while you’re at it, make sure them quadriceps are covered, they’re scaring the children. Thus, pants were born.
It’s common knowledge that World War II was started because some Jewish German made a comment to Hitler, saying “Hey goofball- you can’t wear white pants. Your complexion is much too pasty for that. I can’t tell where torso ends and the fabric begins.” Well, what this Yid didn’t know was that Hitler burned extremely easily, and he preferred white pants to anything else.
Before his significant strides in African-Americans’ attainment of equal civil rights, Martin Luther King was known far and wide for his immense pants collection. He only had one oxford shirt, but the multitude of pants he had! Whoever killed him undoubtedly wanted to pilfer some of those sexy capris King was always strutting around in.
George Burns choked to death on a pair of pants.
During the 1920’s pants were all the rage. Come 1929, pants were fading faster than a T-shirt in the sun, and at that time, most of the publicly-traded stocks were textiles…also known as pants. What I never could figure out though, was what was going to follow pants as a piece of clothing. Pants had monopolized the entire bottom half of men.
I needn’t explain the connection between pants and the Gipper’s brush with death (well, seeing as he’s older than most of the dirt I walk on, one of his closer brushes with death. Shit, if that guy wiped out in a room full of marshmallows, he’d be finished.).
If Adam, Taylor, and Zack’s stupid father didn’t look so damn sexy in those tight Levi’s, those three middle school minstrels would still be three eggs and three sperm.
By now, I know what you’re thinking, This is all well and good, but what can I, a lowly reader of a website, do about it? I’m glad you asked, lowly reader. You can take off your pants. Lose the Levi’s, drop the Dockers, and hang the Haggar slacks. Start wearing alternative forms of ass-and-wang-covering. May I suggest kilts, loincloths, barrels, assorted fruits, and maybe the occasional nothing at all?