This was something I wrote very early one morning. It seems that my best writing comes between the hours of 12 AM and 5 AM on the night before an exam or a research paper is due. This was something that I had originally posted to the main Gekko site, mainly because I didn’t feel like fixing WRITE CLUB. I’m inspired at 4 AM; I didn’t say I was motivated.
Category: 2001-2005
Categories
Between Friends
The following is something I originally posted to my blog on Gekko, but with the resurrection of WRITE CLUB, I decided that it was better suited to this milieu. Some women like it when you talk dirty to them; for some reason, however, girls HATE it when I talk dirty.
Dearest Candy Kings,
I have a few queries upon which I am hoping you could perhaps shed some light. Before I even start with those questions, however, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name’s Michael Ollinger, and I have been eating your candies for as long as I have been alive, which has been nineteen, often hellish years. My mother used to melt Three Musketeers bars and spoon-fed them to me until I was able to hold the candy bar in my tiny little fist. From ages 4-14, I dressed up as an M&M; for Halloween. I think those two examples provide an adequate view into my preoccupation of your fabulous candies. Now that I have been through such needless formalities, let me digress into the proverbial beef of this letter.
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Vocabulary Builder III
abulia – \ay-BOO-lee-uh\ noun : abnormal lack of ability to act or to make decisions
exempla gratia- Webster was struck with an acute case of abulia at the video store; he could not decide between Pornochio or Saving Ryan’s Privates.
baksheesh – \BAK-sheesh\ noun : payment (as a tip or bribe) to expedite service
exempla gratia- “Here, take this baksheesh,” Ben told Heather, handing her a sweaty wad of singles. “I don’t have time for the usual tops-and-tails and champagne room. Just give me a quickie, down-and-dirty.”
denegation – \deh-nih-GAY-shun\ noun : denial
exempla gratia- Dexter was in a constant state of denegation. Among other things, he still adheres to the fact that not only did Thomas Dewey win the election of ’48, but also Bush won the election of ’00.
enfant terrible – \ahn-fahn-teh-REE-bluh\ noun : a child whose inopportune remarks cause embarrassment
exempla gratia- Henry and Alice had quite the enfant terrible in little Dennis. He once announced to a crowded room of their friends that not only did he just “shit his pants” but he also once “touched the cat’s special place.”
farrago \fuh-RAH-goh\ noun : a confused mixture : hodgepodge
exempla gratia- Taking two ounces of every bottle of liquor his parents had, Jack created a potent farrago of spirits he dubbed “Jack’s Magic Potion.” Upon drinking an eighth of the concoction, his lunch of hot dogs, french fries, and jelly beans made an encore appearance on the kitchen floor.
halcyon – \HAL-see-un\ adjective : calm, peaceful
exempla gratia- After swallowing a handful of Halcion, Patrick felt halcyon and ready for bed.
hypnagogic – \hip-nuh-GAH-jik\ adjective : of, relating to, or occurring in the period of drowsiness immediately preceding sleep
exempla gratia- As I laid there, about to fall asleep, lying in a hypnagogic state, I wondered why David Cross was teaching my Biology class, and I was sorry that I had such a hard time paying attention because he’s one funny guy. I was just. so. . sleepy. . .
louche – \LOOSH (“OO” as in “food”)\ adjective : not reputable or decent
exempla gratia- Did you say that Vera was “louche” or “loose?” Oh wait, they’re the same thing, aren’t they?
nyctalopia – \nik-tuh-LOH-pee-uh\ noun : night blindness
exempla gratia- At first, they thought it was Fred’s nyctalopia that gave him a tendency to walk into walls and closed doors unless he turned on all the lights. It turns out Fred’s just spastic. Once while eating at the Mexicali Grille, he managed to spill his beer, overturn a bowl of salsa onto his pants, AND jab a fork in his eye– all in one fluid motion. I’ve never seen anything like it.
oneiric – \oh-NYE-rik\ adjective : of or relating to dreams : dreamy
exempla gratia- While he lay sleeping, Scruffy had oneiric visions of bottomless bowls of soup and rivers of MD 20/20. These dreams were only interrupted when he awoke to the sounds of raccoons leaping into the Dumpster in which he was resting.
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Something’s Gotta Give
Something certainly did give, too. I gave $3, 2+ hours of my life, and half a tank of gas for that movie. What did I get in return? Not much. A glimpse of Diane Keaton’s aging bare body, Jack Nicholson’s ass, and that was about it. An entertaining story, did I get one of those? Heh– I wish!
Jack Nicholson plays Harry Sanborn, a 60-something record company CEO who dates women in a very specific age range– at least 30 years his junior. The movie opens with him riding to the Hamptons with his latest catch, Marin (played by Amada Peet). Once they reach the Hamptons, they shimmy out of their skivvies and into their swimtrunks, preparing for a sun-soaked fuck-fest (or so I presume). This is when Erica and Zoe Barry (Diane Keaton and Frances McDormand, respectively), Marin’s playwright mother and teacher aunt walk in, and awkwardness (I suppose what the audience is supposed to consider “funny” awkwardness) ensues. Just as Harry tries to make his escape, the three women agree that the four of them can have a good weekend together, despite the polarity between Harry and Erica’s characters.
Just as the May-December weekend fornication gets started, Harry has a mild heart attack and is rushed to the local hospital where Dr. Julian Mercer (Keanu Reeves, using more than single monosyllabic words for a change) recommends bed-rest and the care of a nurse to his patient. While consoling the bereaved in the waiting room, Dr. Mercer is captured by Erica, and is quick to make with the goo-goo eyes (Oh the dramatic irony! Doesn’t Julian know he’s doomed to being cast aside like last night’s condom?!).
Harry returns to Erica’s house in the Hamptons and immediately shoos away every member of his entourage who comes to see him (including a personal favorite Jon Favreau, who has given a miserably small part) and is left in the care of Marin’s mother. After a day or so together, the two start to wear on one another, and chemistry between them supposedly develops. [You wouldn’t believe it to see it, but part of film-watching is the “suspension of disbelief,” thank you Introduction to Cinema.]
After a few mishaps and misunderstandings [Oh no! Marin’s back to see Harry, and she still thinks together. No wait, she can see the chemistry shared between the movie poster partners, so she tells her mother that it’s okay for her to date Harry. Meanwhile, Dr. Neo makes the moves on Erica, and she enjoys his company, but she enjoys Harry’s company…oh, she’s just so CONFUSED!!!] the two consummate their affection for one another.
But wait. Harry’s tender to Erica, but he’s an old dog, and we all know that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. After he recovers from his heart attack, he returns to New York City, leaving Erica to ruminate on her sudden lapse into sluttiness. She already knows that she’s in love with Harry, and why can’t he just feel the same way? Why?!
More misunderstandings ensue (Erica sees Harry dining with a young hottie in some upscale NYC joint), and the two part ways. [By this time, I was praying the movie would end, but that would be impossible because our two lovers had yet to resolve their feud and be in love again.] Erica realizes that Dr. Neo was a better catch, and Harry realizes that he missed an opportunity with Erica.
After another trip to the hospital– this time for an anxiety attack (he goes to the hospital, the puss, I just do it Soprano-style; pass out, wipe out, wake up), Harry realizes that he needs to make amends, so he embarks on a six-month journey that leads him across several states. Mercifully, these six months pass in a matter of moments, thanks to a montage sequence of girls either slapping Harry or slamming their door in his face. After those six months, Harry finally arrives at Marin’s apartment, only to discover she’s pregnant and married. (ALL THAT IN SIX MONTHS!!! WTF!) He discovers that Erica is in Paris for her birthday, so he travels to surprise her in hopes of winning her back. Erica is surprised to see him, but she’s there with her beau, Dr. Neo. (Gasp! All that soul-searching and self-realization for nothing!) At Dr. Neo’s insistence, Harry joins them for dinner, and the three of them have a grand time (or so we are to infer. During this scene, there were several shots of wine pouring into glasses). After a great dinner, Erica realizes that Harry truly has changed. She doesn’t make any indication of this new-found respect for Harry to him, but somehow or another Dr. Neo knows. At the story’s close, the jilted bachelor stands alone in Paris on a January night, wishing he could have gotten the girl. But hark! What’s this? A car pulling up behind him? No, it couldn’t be! Wait, it is! Oh happy day! It’s Erica, and she loves him again! Yaaaay! Cue the credits.
Yeah, so I was only slightly amused by this movie. Some funny parts, more not so funny. It was obvious that the demographic to which this movie was aimed was not mine. There was not just one joke about Viagara, but three! Overall, the acting was good. I definitely enjoyed Jack Nicholson, and Diane Keaton was not too shabby herself. I don’t know if she deserved an Oscar nomination for her performance, but that’s why I’m not an Academy voter. (Not yet, at least.) It’s a shame they were working with such a trite script and hackneyed genre. The direction was functional at best, but one cannot expect much from a woman whose past credits include What Women Want and the 90’s update of the Parent Trap.
Overall, a decent date movie but certainly not the best.
Final grade: B-/C+