Category: Corpus

When I get older, I am changing my name to Authority. No last name, just Authority. That way, when people ask “On whose authority are you doing this?” I can honestly answer, “Mine.” In addition to changing my name to Authority, I plan to get a theory or principle named after me. Sort of like Akum’s Razor, except mine would be called Authority’s Toothbrush (I would have already changed my name to Authority come time for me to develop the Toothbrush theory). What exactly the theorem will entail, I don’t know yet. I was thinking about why do they make toothbrushes with hard bristles if dentist’s don’t recommend them? Or whatever happened to those little orange pick things on the bottom of some Oral-B toothbrushes? Did they realize no one ever used them, or have they been replaced by something a little bit more safe, namely floss?

Well, tomorrow is President’s Day. I don’t know for sure, but I might be getting that new bicycle from the Great Presidents of the Past. See, in my family, we have a celebration similar to Christmas on President’s Day; instead of Santa Claus, the Great Presidents of the Past bring opulent and lavish gifts. The posthumous deliverer of the gifts changes every year; last year, it was Lyndon Johnson. It’s always a surprise who will come. The only way you know who brought you the presents is by the 8 x 10 glossy they leave for you. I remember when I was 8, Chester A. Arthur left me a Nintendo Entertainment System. I was the happiest lad in the world. I can’t wait for Flag Day, though; it’s the greatest holiday ever!

I love taking naps. Yesterday, I took a quick lil’ 20 minuter, and I felt so refreshed. I can’t wait until I retire when all I have to do is take naps and walk around. Sometimes, I wish I had narcolepsy. Well actually, narcolepsy is pretty dangerous. If there was some way to tap the power of narcolepsy and make it so I could command myself to fall asleep at anytime, that would be best. Because if I had regualr narcolepsy, I could fall asleep at anytime and that’s just notasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Forgive me, I just fell asleep.

There’s some type of foodstuff under the period key on my keyboard. I don’t know how it could have gotten there; perhaps when I was enjoying a healthy bowl of Tostidos, a lone crumb leapt from my mouth and burrowed it’s way under the “.” Upon closer inspection (I poked at it with a pen), I think it may be frosting. Unfortunately, I haven’t partook in a frosted confection in a while. Unless, of course, I wasn’t the eater of the delicious dessert, and some other unknown individual dined on a dainty cake. Perhaps a miscreant, set on robbing me of my prized possessions, sat down and had himself (or herself, I am trying to be PC, even when it comes to criminals) a cupcake, which they stole from a six-year-old’s birthday party of Chuck E. Cheese. Upon finshing the food, a little bit of the sugary goo was on his or her fingertips. Then he or she proceeded to write me a little memo about how he or she totally robbed me blind, and that I would never see my things again; in such, being sure he or she properly punctuated the brief missive to his or her victim. Following which, he or she was so enraptured by his or her beautiful letter, that he or she totally forgot to rob me. Or maybe I just ate a chip too fast, and a minute crumb landed in the keyboard. Who knows?

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Oops, this isn’t Mavis Teaches Typing. My bad.