On a cold, wintry day in February, a mother turkey laid a little egg. In this egg was to be the savior of all turkeys nationwide. This egg was Jed. After his egg hatched, Jed steadily developed into a young, vivacious turkey. The year was 1692, but turkeys back then were illiterate and had no true use for human time. Turkeys were sprawling all over the countryside and living generally carefree lives.
Jed’s childhood was not all hugs and kisses, however. His father had left them when Jed was still confined to the nest. His mother had to scavenge for all their food. If that weren’t enough, the other kid turkeys were dirty little punks to Jed. One turkey, who was given a true misnomer, Angel, was especially mean to little Jed. Angel would pull on Jed’s little red dangly thing and make him cry. One other time, Angel tripped Jed, and Jed had a gimpy knee for two weeks. After his internal bleeding stopped, Jed vowed acrimonious and caustic retaliation against the bully. When they were in school one day, Jed put a sterno can under Angel’s desk. This caused to Angel to slowly begin basting. The smell was overwhelming. (The smell of a cooking turkey may smell wonderful to us, but to a turkey it reeks like defocate.) Jed couldn’t stand it. His conscience had permeated his thick aura of angst toward Angel.
“Dr. Demento,” he slowly began, “I put a Sterno can under Angel’s desk. I deserve any and all punishment you wish to dispense upon me.” Dr. Demento took this as an oppurtunity to practice his telekinetic whipping ability. (That is, his power of whipping someone with just his mind.) After school that day, Jed was told to stand in front of Dr. Demento’s desk and prepared to be punished severely. He stood there; eyes closed, teeth clenched, ready for anything. Nothing. Demento concentrated harder. Still nothing. Harder, still. Nothing, yet again. Finally, after twenty minutes of concentration, Dr. Demento passed out. (When he concentrated, Demento didn’t breathe.)
This impacted Jed’s life very heavily. From then on, he was going to strive to do good for all. For a while, he was successful. He played basketball with the disabled turkeys, fed the poor turkeys, and even converted the pagan turkeys to Grogginism, the monotheistic turkey religion. One day, however, Jed was ambling along the side of the road when he came upon a comrade of his. His friend, Cecil, lay there, still. In the middle of his body was a giant U-shaped imprint. (It was a horse hoof, but Jed was slightly ignorant of species other than those indiginous to his area.) This was not what intrigued him. The smell was tantalizing. He actually wanted to taste his friend’s flesh. When no one else was looking, Jed pinched off a little bit of his friend’s innards. He raised it to his beak, inhaled briskly, and stuffed the little piece of turkey flesh into his mouth. And the scary thing was, he liked it…
After discovering his cannibalistic tendencies, Jed went into seclusion, surviving off the carcasses of turkeys who had suffered a fate similar to that of his friend. One day, after feasting on a dead turkey, Jed had a realization. What if he were to hunt turkey, and eat it fresh? It was bound to taste even better! The following evening Jed constructed the world’s very first turkey trap. Essentially, he put some food on the ground, intended to ambush his prey, and peck to death. Not surprisingly, Jed’s plan was entirely effective. But after having one turkey, he had to have another, and another. Jed steadily made the world unsafe for turkeys. In fact, turkeys were approaching the brink of extinction. Jed, realizing this, started going to AA meetings. These weren’t very effective, due to the fact that Jed was not an alcoholic, and he didn’t speak English. He continued eating and eating…
He ate until there were just two turkeys left on this continent. This other turkey was a hideous she-turkey with ragged feathers and a droopy beak. Jed made a promise to himself to never, ever eat this monstrosity. But then Jed then realized his duty. He and Helga, the other turkey, must reproduce. This was the only way for turkeys to survive. So he and Helga started repopulating this continent with turkeys.
Meanwhile, Puritans seeking religous freedom sailed their way from England and came to Cape Cod. They were sick and needed great help. The natives were more than willing to lend a helping hand. With the natives’ help, the Pilgrims survived the first winter, and to show their gratitude towards the natives, elected to have a dinner. There was one problem. What to serve? They had cranberry relish, bread, butter, and all the good stuff, but were missing one thing- meat. Then one day, a Pilgrim saw a fat, ugly bird and shot it out of sheer fear. That bird was a turkey.
So you see, Jed saved not only his race, but was also indirectly responsible for Thanksgiving, a tradition that continues even today. Originally, the turkey was a beautiful bird, not dissimilar to the peregrine falcon; but since Jed had depleted the species to Helga and him, all turkeys became fat and ugly. He was fat, and she was ugly.
—
mikey, author extrordinaire.